Trying to hold my own, trying to know my name, trying to go my own way, though non of it seems even possible. Rejection and pain seem to surround me throughout every step i take. The whispering voice of lonliness drowns me. My somewhat normal state of mind is slowly fading second by second. Life is quickly coming to the decision of "if its even worth it".
Monday, March 18, 2013
you are confined only by the walls you build yourself; my story
To just tell the story...i let him almost destroy my life. I gave him ALL power
over me , my desicions, my choices. It ruined me. I was somone who was always
positive, happy, excited to do something.. athletic snd proud of who i was. When
this boy came into my life all those great things vanished and i allowed it,
because i thought "i loved him"..yeah whatever clearly that was false. I started
spending ever waking moment with him.. i was surrounded by all the un clean and
bad things he revolved his life around.. the drugs, the people, the choices..
the anger...
He became abusive twards me, he became controlling and compulsive. I started recieving bruises..and constantly began to be yelled at. I was a new punching bag. This is where it all started. i began to feel worthless..like i diddint deserve naything better than this. i pushe dmy friends away..and most of all my family. I became un pleasant to be around, a bully, and most of all unkind. i vividly remember my little brother crying and not wanting to be around me because "i was mean" and because "i hurt him" i hurt somone i love the most, my little brother physicly and emotionly. i will never be able to forgive myself for the pain i inforced on the people i love and care about around me.
In april 2011 i was severly injured. I was at my very last soccer game of the season, when i was headed in the temple by and oposing player. My life took a major dive at this point in my life. After spending a day or two at swedish hospital in bremerton, I was diognosed with severve and uncontrollable brain swelling, a trapped and torn optical nerve, a orbital blowout fracture, and lastly a shattered sinus cavity. Im just gunna say it was hell to the max. i was taken out of school for a month just on bed rest. i was sent to surgery, and loaded on medication. My days consisted of many Dr. oppintments, tears , many migraines, and pain. The worst part is i felt alone, Like no body cared. Its my fualt to that i made myself feel like that and not only that but i put my self in that situation as well. later in my accident i fell into a severe and deep depression where suicide was a daily thought, and some days an attempted action. Those thoughts and actions felt like they never ended, suicide was constantly on my mind... I thought that it was never gunna go away, i was never gunna get better. That i had no hope or even a chance to return back to the person i used to be. I believed i was worthless, unloved, unwanted , stupid , and that my evolution on this earth was pointless. As the long days continued while laying in a hospital bed my life came to a point where the person (the boy) who i thought loved me dumped me. Ill tell you being on a certain amount of main meds that make you go kinda kookoo did not do me well that night... Or the next ... Or the next.
It was a few months after my treatment died down and life was turning somewhat back to normal, i still had no motivation hated life, hated friends, and pretty much gave up every thing i had ever loved. I rejected anything and everything. Little did i know my little dark world was ever gunna change .. Then it did. In october 2011 my best friend tammy drug my cranky butt out of the house and to a high school soccer game that i made very clear i did not want to attend. As tammy and i were sitting in the bleachers at the game something happened that made every thing change, something i will never forget. Walking on over to me was this tall blonde boy in a pink tutu, with the biggest and sweetest grin on his face. As he approached me pridefully and excited, i looked at him curiously, when out of the blue he reached down grabbed my hand looked at me and said " Hi im perry and im gunna give you a handjob!" Then he starts rubbing my hand casually and awkwardly. Now my response? Uhm wtf is wrong with this kid? I blankly stares at him while tammy my friend burst out laughing. Then He just let go of my hand, smiled and said "im gunna text you" . And thats where it all begins.
To be honest i never knew i was gunna fall this hard. I thought he was just the same As all the other guys... Which is normal for a 15 year old girl. I was blinded by the fact that there was good people out in this world of pain, and that maybe possibly someone would actually go through he motions to try and make an impact on my life. This boy opened the door to a whole new world for me. He taught that i could be more than i was, that i could be better. After about a month or two of spending time together and begging to grow a unbreakable love for one another and a forever friendship, perry introduced me to the most important and special thing i hold in my heart to this day. The church of jesus christ of latter day saints. In other words the "mormon" church. It changed me. It saved me. It helped me find who i was and that Out of everyone else on this earth i have a important purpose.
I remember like yesterday ... In fact ill never forget the Very moment sitting in the baptismal font room, with perry sitting by my side, when the missionary's asked me if i would be willing to be baptized. Without even a single doubt the word yes flowed calmly out of my mouth.
He became abusive twards me, he became controlling and compulsive. I started recieving bruises..and constantly began to be yelled at. I was a new punching bag. This is where it all started. i began to feel worthless..like i diddint deserve naything better than this. i pushe dmy friends away..and most of all my family. I became un pleasant to be around, a bully, and most of all unkind. i vividly remember my little brother crying and not wanting to be around me because "i was mean" and because "i hurt him" i hurt somone i love the most, my little brother physicly and emotionly. i will never be able to forgive myself for the pain i inforced on the people i love and care about around me.
In april 2011 i was severly injured. I was at my very last soccer game of the season, when i was headed in the temple by and oposing player. My life took a major dive at this point in my life. After spending a day or two at swedish hospital in bremerton, I was diognosed with severve and uncontrollable brain swelling, a trapped and torn optical nerve, a orbital blowout fracture, and lastly a shattered sinus cavity. Im just gunna say it was hell to the max. i was taken out of school for a month just on bed rest. i was sent to surgery, and loaded on medication. My days consisted of many Dr. oppintments, tears , many migraines, and pain. The worst part is i felt alone, Like no body cared. Its my fualt to that i made myself feel like that and not only that but i put my self in that situation as well. later in my accident i fell into a severe and deep depression where suicide was a daily thought, and some days an attempted action. Those thoughts and actions felt like they never ended, suicide was constantly on my mind... I thought that it was never gunna go away, i was never gunna get better. That i had no hope or even a chance to return back to the person i used to be. I believed i was worthless, unloved, unwanted , stupid , and that my evolution on this earth was pointless. As the long days continued while laying in a hospital bed my life came to a point where the person (the boy) who i thought loved me dumped me. Ill tell you being on a certain amount of main meds that make you go kinda kookoo did not do me well that night... Or the next ... Or the next.
It was a few months after my treatment died down and life was turning somewhat back to normal, i still had no motivation hated life, hated friends, and pretty much gave up every thing i had ever loved. I rejected anything and everything. Little did i know my little dark world was ever gunna change .. Then it did. In october 2011 my best friend tammy drug my cranky butt out of the house and to a high school soccer game that i made very clear i did not want to attend. As tammy and i were sitting in the bleachers at the game something happened that made every thing change, something i will never forget. Walking on over to me was this tall blonde boy in a pink tutu, with the biggest and sweetest grin on his face. As he approached me pridefully and excited, i looked at him curiously, when out of the blue he reached down grabbed my hand looked at me and said " Hi im perry and im gunna give you a handjob!" Then he starts rubbing my hand casually and awkwardly. Now my response? Uhm wtf is wrong with this kid? I blankly stares at him while tammy my friend burst out laughing. Then He just let go of my hand, smiled and said "im gunna text you" . And thats where it all begins.
To be honest i never knew i was gunna fall this hard. I thought he was just the same As all the other guys... Which is normal for a 15 year old girl. I was blinded by the fact that there was good people out in this world of pain, and that maybe possibly someone would actually go through he motions to try and make an impact on my life. This boy opened the door to a whole new world for me. He taught that i could be more than i was, that i could be better. After about a month or two of spending time together and begging to grow a unbreakable love for one another and a forever friendship, perry introduced me to the most important and special thing i hold in my heart to this day. The church of jesus christ of latter day saints. In other words the "mormon" church. It changed me. It saved me. It helped me find who i was and that Out of everyone else on this earth i have a important purpose.
I remember like yesterday ... In fact ill never forget the Very moment sitting in the baptismal font room, with perry sitting by my side, when the missionary's asked me if i would be willing to be baptized. Without even a single doubt the word yes flowed calmly out of my mouth.
let your words HEAL not WOUND.
This is at more of a personal level of my own opinions, thoughts, and actions. I trust and put all my love into my wonderful father in heaven, I know for a fact he listens to me and embraces me in his love and care when i have needed it. My past is painfull and is filled with memorys and tears over trials no teenager should be put through. I am stronger than i ever was or have been and i know it, "anyone can give up. Its the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold on when everyone understands if you fell apart, thats true strength." Those exact words are what pushed me to overcome and escape the dark hole i trapped myself in. You might be thinking im just writing this for attention or just to have alittle guilt trip or really whatever you want.. But honestly and truthfully im doing this for me.. im letting go and im doing it publicly becaus enot only is it helping me get away.. its helping some little girl or boy somewhere on this world who feels alone. Who feels no one understands.. who feels that they will never and can never be strong enough to move on from the darkness and step into this beautiful world we were blessed with, i want to help them. i want them to know they are strong enough and there is a way out.. even if its one of the hardest things to acomplish, that they can conquor it. That i was right were there at too.. and I conqured it because i finally said "i could".
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